My Wasted Heart
by KumikoSaitou
Summary: When you love someone, you always hope that someday they will love you back. What a fairytale ending.


This story was inspired by the movie "Love Actually" or rather a quote from it. I hope you like it! :)

And special thanks to xrosepetalsx for helping me with this fic!

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><p>I watched him go again. Out that door, out of our apartment, to God knows where. But that's not true. I do know. I just don't want to admit it. "I'll be back." he says in a monotone voice, like he doesn't really care. I'm not sure he does. "Take care." I answer. He looks at me over his shoulder. I'm standing in the hallway and he's already got his jacket and shoes on. I'm smiling softly. I can't tell if it's real.<p>

For a moment, a small second, his lips curve up - not into a smirk, but a smile. It's the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and my heart comes to a thudding halt before starting again at a rapid pace. Then it's gone and his face is expressionless again. A small flicker of disappointment rises in me, but it's gone almost as soon as it was there. He turns around and heads for the door, opening it.

"Bye." he says, hesitating for a moment as if to wait for my reply. But then the door closes. And I whisper my reply to the silent hallway.

"Bye."

I continue to stand in the hallway for a long time, staring at the door. Hoping he might have changed his mind, to come back, to... me. But he doesn't. And after quite some time, I turn around and go into the kitchen, just because it's the room next to the hallway. It would be pathetic to stand there until he returned, I tell myself. Totally weak and unacceptable. But with every step I take away from the hallway, my whole body aches more. What if, what if?

To distract myself I take my phone, with the intent of playing some game, but I find myself on the messages page. Coincidentally the chat with him is open. I bite my lip and stare at the old messages, mostly from me with monosyllabic answers from him.

"Where are you?" "Are you home?" "Are you alright?".

I sound like a worried mother. But they are not the only messages. There are also a lot where I ramble on which sometimes he doesn't even reply to in any way. My fingers push in another message, without me wanting to.

"When are you coming home?"

My finger hovers above the _Send _button. I bite my lip harder, thinking. Do I want to send this message?Am I being too clingy, too much of a wimp? I don't want him to think of me like he does his fangirls. And I really don't want to be put in the same group as them. I lower the phone, reaching out to put it on the counter, away from me. But I can't help it. I can't not do it. Every fiber of my being wants to know, not only that small piece of information, but everything. Everything there is to know... it's almost like an obsession, but it's not. It's something else.

But I settle for knowing that one piece about him and press _Send_.

I force myself to put the phone out of my hand and not stare at the little line where it says whether he has seen the message. I try to get my mind elsewhere by walking into the small living room and turning on the TV, to watch some stupid sitcom. After some time I realize that the people on the screen are laughing, but I'm not. In fact, I can't even tell what the sitcoms supposed to be about. With a sigh I turn the TV off and lean back in the couch, running my hands over my face. How can it be possible that one person occupies your mind... all the time?

My hands are itching to take the phone, but I sit on them to stop myself. This is just pathetic, here I am like some kind of lovesick girl and he... is probably not even wasting a thought on me or how happy I would be just to hear from him. Not even important stuff, just random things... but I know it won't happen.

Abruptly I stand up and walk the short distance to my phone, a determined look on my face. I'm sure he'll have replied by now. He regularly checks his phone and he doesn't reply to a lot of messages he gets (there are a lot since the fangirls have gotten hold of his number) but me, I'm more important than those girls, right? We're living together and have known each other for like forever. We're best friends! Aren't we?

* * *

><p>I stare at the little line above our chat.<p>

_Last seen today at 10:34 pm_

I knew it. I knew he would do that. He always does it, damn it, all the damn time! And I always hope he won't, that maybe I will be important enough that he'll answer immediately. I mean, it's not a difficult question, is it? It doesn't require a lot of thought or a long message. I mean, he almost always answers in monosyllabic answers anyway. Is it really so hard? I've told him before how much that annoys me. Can't he be a little sympathetic, just this one time? But I guess he takes some kind of pleasure from it, knowing how much it annoys me...

I fall into a kitchen chair and sigh. It's not really a big deal, but it still eats at me. That bastard. My phone's ringtone snaps me out of my thoughts and I look down, with big, hopeful eyes.

Only to realize it's Kiba. I growl a little, then sigh again. Damn it all.

"What?" I snap into the phone with a scowl on my face.

"Whoa dude, calm down! Did something crawl up your ass or did you turn into a clone of our favorite bastard?"

Kiba sounds a little shocked from my outburst and I realize its way out of line. The sigh that I let out irritates me. Too much sighing lately.

"Sorry Kiba, I'm just a little... I'm just in a bad mood, alright?"

He lets out a huff.

"You can say that again. Why is that?"

I run a hand through my hair, then palm my face.

"I don't know, I guess I'm getting the flu or something..."

Kiba snorts.

"Yeah right. In the time I've known you, you've been sick like, twice. Now what's the reason? Is it what I think it is?"

"Um... no?"

Now Kiba is the one whose sighing.

"Dude, you _have_ to let it go. It can't go on like this, it's like you don't have a life anymore apart from that apartment. When's the last time we hung out? And I bet that right now, you're sitting all alone in your kitchen, waiting for him to come home... again."

The situation he describes is exactly the one I'm in, but I'm much too proud to admit that.

"That's so not true, I'm having the time of my life, I'm about to head to..."

I spot an invite on the door of the refrigerator and hope that Kiba doesn't know the guy it's from.

"...to Neji's birthday, it's gonna be a blast!" I try to sound as enthusiastic as I can and even manage a grin on my face, that Kiba can't see, but it doesn't help.

"Nice try, but I'm also invited to that birthday and I know it's next week."

I groan. Damn it. Busted.

"Shit, I forgot you know Neji because of Hinata."

"Yeah, even though he doesn't like me that much... but that's not the point. I knew you were sitting alone at home! Come on, let's go out drinking or something and you can forget him."

I think about that plan for a moment. It doesn't sound bad, great actually, but I'm still itching to stay home and wait. What if I miss him? I've always been there when he came home, still drunk and most of the time stuck in the bathroom, smelling of smoke, alcohol and women. Can I really do that? Am I selfish in wanting to go out? It breaks my heart to decide this.

"Come on dude, it's gonna be a fun night! Lots of booze and women and in your case, also some men! If you don't meet me at _The Dungeon_ in half an hour... I'll send Sakura."

"Kiba,I can't - " I hear the beeping sound telling me he hung up.

I growl and slam the phone on the table. I've decided, I don't want to go out, I can't! The only bad thing about this situation is that I know Kiba will be true to his threat. And Sakura has a spare key. Damn it, why did I decide to give her that?

I put my hands in front of my face and prop my arms on the table. Why, why did Kiba have to force me to do this? I was happy just waiting here! Well, not really happy, but... content, I guess. I can't _not _be here for him, no matter what he does or how much it hurts or annoys me. I can't stop wanting... him. It's been that way for a very long time.

* * *

><p><em>The thing I remember most about my father are his eyes. They are so bright and blue, like the cerulean blue of a beautiful summer day. I was told that my eyes were a replica of his and whenever I got a chance to, I studied them in the mirror. I could see that the colour was practically the same shade of blue. My eyes were a bit rounder, but even back then I knew that this was because I wasn't grown up yet and still had a baby face. <em>

_But the thing that set my eyes apart from my father's the most were the expression in them._

_I remember watching my father coming to take me to his apartment for the weekend. During the week I was with my mother, on the weekend with my father. My parents aren't together, never have been, so I was used to this routine. At the time I didn't know much about their situation. I do now._

_My father was always smiling, always laughing when he was with me. I was really happy to have such a cool dad that played with me, unlike Sasuke's father (he was pretty jealous for quite some time). I didn't understand it but when I was about five years old, I noticed that he only acted different on one occasion. When my mom came to take me home. There was always this expression in his eyes and that weird smile that I just didn't understand. After first noticing this I watched him every time my mom came and it was always the same. _

_In my naïve mind I figured the only person who could explain this mystery to me (besides my parents themselves,but I didn't want to ask them) was Sasuke. I would have never told the jerk how I thought he knew almost everything, but still I came to him with my question._

_So I asked him why my father always acted so weird around my mom. I told him my observations in a very important voice, feeling like a detective about to close a case. But Sasuke only rolled his eyes and sighed irritatedly._

"_Idiot. Of course it's because your father still loves her." _

_I looked at him with big eyes, completely forgetting to be enraged at the insult. Even at that age I had some idea what love was and how important it is._

"_Oh... then why doesn't he tell her and they can be together? Like your parents! It must be really cool to have your mom and dad living together, with me..."_

_Sasuke snorted._

"_You're even dumber than I thought." _

_I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off._

"_It's because your mom doesn't love him. If she did, you guys would've lived together from the start. Itachi told me that sometimes people have kids even though they don't love each other, when they make a mistake while their doing adult stuff... which Itachi still refuses to tell me about..."_

_Sasuke mumbled the last part to himself, but the rest he told in a neutral tone. That was just the way he was, but still it hurt me._

_My eyes filled up with tears and my lip started trembling._

"_So... s-so I wa-as a... mistake?"_

_Sasuke's head shot around and he stared at me with big eyes. He didn't mean to make me cry, but he had difficulties dealing with it now that he had. Feelings just weren't his strength._

"_Hey idiot... don't cry..." _

_His voice was a little panicked and unsure, he hated seeing me cry. But in my childish mind I thought that was a confirmation from his earlier words and I really started to bawl._

_I sat on the ground and rubbed my hands in my eyes. Thinking that I was just a mistake made by my parents really hurt me and that obviously meant that they didn't love me so nobody could love me._

_Sasuke was now really panicked and kneeled next to me. He opened his mouth several times to say something, but nothing came out. He couldn't figure out how to console me with words, which was his usual way of solving things._

_I continued to bawl, feeling awful._

"_I-if I'm a-a mistake... t-then nobody lo-loves me..."_

_Suddenly Sasuke had his arms around me,his head resting on my shoulder. Out of shock I stopped bawling mid-sob. Sasuke very rarely showed me affection or hugged me, and never of his own doing. It was always me who was glomping him._

"_You're... you're not a mistake... a-and... and I... l-love you,idiot..."_

_I couldn't see his face, but I could practically feel it burning red and by the way he was mumbling I could tell he was embarrassed... very embarrassed. My eyes widened as I processed his words. I couldn't believe that Sasuke could say something like this, but it made me unbelievably happy. I had never felt that way, not when my mom or dad said they loved me. It was different, and at that moment I realized that I wanted Sasuke by my side, always._

_I started smiling, my really big, really happy smile, and I threw my arms back around him, burying my nose in his shoulder, completely ignoring my wet face and running nose._

"_Sasuke!" I yelled happily and squeezed him very tightly until he started to slightly wheeze._

"_Can't... breathe... idiot..."_

_I loosened my grip a little but let my arms remain around him._

"_I love you, too, 'Suke."_

_He remained frozen for a moment, then coughed awkwardly and tried to untangle himself from our hug. I let him go, feeling like the happiest person on earth at that moment, and smiled at his red face. Sasuke avoided looking at me and crossed his arms._

"_S-so... alright now, idiot?"_

_I blinked, having forgotten for a moment what I was so sad about. I looked at Sasuke, confused._

"_But Sasuke... if I'm not a mistake... then why aren't mom and dad together? And why does my dad act so weird around her?"_

_Sasuke sighed, seeming to choose his words this time more carefully._

"_Like I told you, your mom doesn't love your dad but your dad loves her. So he's unhappy because he can't be with her, but it seems he can't get over her either so... every time he sees her it hurts him."_

_I cocked my head to the side, thinking about his words._

"_But... I don't want him to be unhappy!"_

_Sasuke looked at me with sorry eyes._

"_You can't do anything to change that..."_

_I frowned, not really understanding._

"_Idiot, stop thinking about it. You'll hurt your head."_

_Immediately I protested at the insult, forgetting the conversation the way only a child can. Who would've thought my parents would die two months later in a car crash while on their way to pick me up from kindergarten?_

_And I sure as hell wouldn't have thought that I would one day be in the same situation as my dad._

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><p>I stare at the monitor of the TV with a blank look, feeling utterly bored. On Saturday nights, the only thing that came on TV... was absolute crap. Really, I mean, who wants to see horrible chick flicks or boring documentations or weird sitcoms I've never heard about? I sigh to myself. No one wants to see those shows. You only watch them if you have nothing better to do... on a Saturday night.<p>

I glance at the clock. It's already been forty minutes since Kiba's call. I know Sakura will be here soon. But I've decided to stay here, they can't make me go out! Maybe I can convince Sakura to watch one of the chick flicks with me, so that I'm not completely alone...

The chances of that happening are slim to none.

I direct my gaze back to the TV just as there's a dull thud outside my apartment. I freeze and listen. Is that... someone stomping on the ground... like, really hard? Uh oh. I know what that means.

"Naruto, I'll count to three or I'm breaking this door down."

My eyes widen and I jump off the couch.

"What?" I yell, horrified.

"Three."

I run into the hallway, staring at the door.

"Wait, wait,you can't!"

"Two."

"I don't have money to replace the door!"

"One."

I throw the door open, glaring angrily at Sakura's equally furious face.

"For god's sake, you have a key, woman!"

She doesn't answer that. She just storms past me into the hallway, turning around and crossing her arms, to glare at me. I also turn around and stare back, not feeling angry anymore, just annoyed and exhausted. We stand there for a moment, neither of us saying anything. I had expected her to blow up and drag me out by my hair, but she just keeps staring at me until it became uncomfortable.

I bite my lip and run my hand through my hair.

"What... what are you doing here?"

We both know why she's here; I just have to break the silence.

She scrutinizes me a moment longer, then turns on her heel and walks to my bedroom. I follow her, a little confused, until she begins searching through my closet, throwing clothes on my bed. Then I realize what her intentions are.

"Wait, Sakura, stop that! I'm not going out tonight, I can't, I... there's this really interesting show on TV about foxes and I don't want to miss it! You can go have fun without me, I'm fine just staying here and please stop messing up my closet, it's going to be even more messier than before... I don't need an outfit, even if I would, I could pick it myself, but..."

Abruptly she stops and turns around. But now her face is completely different. I haven't seen her face that way since Sasuke told her he would never love her. It was so sad and heartbreaking, her eyes swimming with tears. It was such a sorrowful look... my heart clenches and I bite my lip, wanting to make her smile again, even if it takes her hitting me, just anything to stop that look on her face.

"Naruto... please, I can't bear to see you like this any longer... you're wasting away! I can't even recognize you anymore. You used to be the life and soul of a party but now you're always staying here alone..."

Her voice is even more horrible than her face and what she says really hits me. I know that she's right, everything she says is true. I've known that for a while now, but hearing it from someone else, from a close friend... it breaks my heart.

But still I can't do it.

"Sakura... I'm really sorry..."

She interrupts me,a more determined look on her face now, but still unbelievably sad.

"No, Naruto, I won't accept that. Either you're coming with me now... or I can't be your friend anymore. I just can't watch you torture yourself any longer. I'm not strong enough to see you suffer that way. So please... just for tonight..."

I didn't expect her to say that. I look at her, shocked, until the meaning of her words gets through to me. And I realize she's dead serious. Is staying here tonight really worth losing Sakura as a friend? Both options really hurt me,but which hurt me more was a no-brainer.

I walk over to her and embrace her.

"I'm sorry Sakura... I never meant to let it get so far... I'll come with you."

She sniffles.

"'kay."

We stand there a moment longer and I know that I made the right choice.

Then she wiggles out of my arms, wipes her eyes and smiles at me.

"Alright, let's find you a sexy outfit! "

I just groan.

* * *

><p><em>The Dungeon <em>is a very popular club, especially on weekends, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that it was full... like, up to the freaking roof kind of full! There are so many people you can barely move on the dance floor and the bar is practically closed off for anyone who doesn't want to fight their ways through a crowd of overdressed girls and posing guys.

Luckily it was almost twelve o'clock, which was when the second floor would open so the crowd would be more scattered.

Sakura didn't want to accept having no drinks so she set off towards the bar, looking very determined. I wince inwardly, feeling sorry for the people in her way. I am put in charge of finding Kiba, which is easier said than done. I lean against the wall, scanning the crowd but making no real effort to find would be pointless.

I sigh and cross my arms against my back. I'm not really happy being here but I have to admit, I had missed the club scene. I used to be such a party boy, getting wasted every weekend and just letting the stress of the week get out. I only stopped going... once Sasuke began doing it. In the past, he had accompanied me a few times before, but had chosen to stay home mostly. When he began to party, too, our roles had reversed. The only difference was our reason. He just didn't want to go because he wasn't in the mood. I stay home to pick up the pieces of his nightly escapades, helping him through his hangover and throwing out whatever bimbos he had picked up that night.

I close my eyes and lean my head back.

That was the hardest part. Throwing out girls that I knew he had slept with, often hearing them do it. Girls that wanted more than a one-night stand, but Sasuke's last relationship had lasted all of one week. It is so, so hard to see them getting even a tiny piece of him that I will never get, knowing him in a way I never could. Sometimes hearing them do it helps me do... well, my business with myself. But most of the time, I just lay in bed, curled up and trying not to cry as I so desperately wish it could be me. Of course I don't want only a one-night stand, but... it makes me think about how things could be, in a perfect world where Sasuke wasn't a player and... would look at me instead.

Suddenly I see Sakura's pink hair in the crowd and I shake my head, abandoning these bitter thoughts. For her, I had to try tonight. And maybe for me a little, too.

As she reaches me, I try to put on a real smile.

"Did you get the drinks?"

She huffs and hands me a bottle.

"Of course I did, but it wasn't easy, I had to shove so many guys out of the way, and one groped me so of course I gave him what he deserved."

She cracks her fists and I wince a little, again feeling sorry for the guy. But if he had really groped her, he deserved some beating.

I take a small sip from the bottle, grimacing at the taste. I had never liked alcohol, it was just a way to get buzzed. I was kind of a lightweight, so I didn't have to drink as much as others which was good for me.

"So, you didn't find Kiba?"

I look at her, raising one eyebrow skeptically.

"In this crowd? Forget it."

But I notice that people are leaving to go upstairs, so the second floor had to have opened. Good, the crowd is already getting thinner.

I take another sip as I let my gaze wander around, only to come to a screeching halt as I spot someone. Someone with a very familiar hairstyle. Oh no.

Sakura sees me freezing up and follows my gaze. Her eyes widen as she sees what I see.

Sasuke. And some girl. Dancing very, very close. And making out.

My breath catches in my throat as I continue to stare. I suddenly feel really cold inside, like my heart has been shoved in a freezer and my brain has stopped working. All I can do is stare and hope that what I am seeing isn't really happening. It is kinda fascinating watching them make out,the way their tongues meet and their bodies grind together. And by fascinating I also mean sickening.

I don't know how long I am frozen up but then Sakura puts herself in front of me, blocking my view. I snap out of it and bite my lip angrily.

"This was a really bad idea, I just knew it!"

I focus on the anger so I don't have to feel the despair clawing at my chest. Sakura looks like she wants to say something, but then stops herself. She sighs and looks at me with a kind of sad look.

"Naruto, I'm sorry this happened. I didn't know he would be here, normally this isn't his club scene... but please, don't let him ruin the night. "

I stare at her for a moment, contemplating her words. She is right. I will shove my feelings far, far away, focus on the anger and just forget everything. I know just the right thing.

"You're right, he won't!"

And I chuck my head back and empty the bottle in one go.

* * *

><p>As I said before, I'm a lightweight. So it really doesn't take that long until I'm drunk... completely drunk. I haven't been this drunk since I stopped partying, and even though the reason was a pretty dumb one... it felt pretty amazing to feel that buzz again, to forget any worries and just concentrate on the now.<p>

I am just signaling the barkeeper for another drink when a girl sits down beside me and looks me up and down.

She is totally my type. I think anyone can guess what my type is like. Dark, long hair, black eyes, pale complexion. She's wearing a miniskirt, high heels and a tank top. She's pretty good-looking. And she's obviously into me.

I grin. Perfect distraction.

"Hey stranger."

She starts a conversation and smiles flirtatious. I grin back.

"Hey."

"What's a cutie like you doing sitting alone at the bar?"

I lean back a little.

"Well, waiting for someone to dance with me, I guess."

She grins.

"Then I guess the moment's arrived. I'm Suki. Want to dance?"

I freeze for a moment, thinking that it must be such a coincidence for someone to look alike and even have a similar name. Sasuke's face shoots through my brain, but I shove it away immediately. No thinking tonight.

"I'm Naruto, let's dance."

She takes my hand and leads me to the dancefloor. A fast song is playing and I can easily get into the rhythm. She dances with her back to my front, her arms around my neck. I put my hands on her hips and we sway to the beat.

I'm not a very good dancer when I'm drunk, but it is enough for this. She drops to the floor and comes up, grinding her butt into my crotch. I grin and grind back. She then turns around and presses her body against mine. I lift her top a little and caress her stomach. She smiles lustfully and then presses her full lips against mine. I immediately open my mouth and our tongues meet in a sensual dance of their own. I explore the cavern of her mouth, enjoying her taste. We are both slightly panting and I'm pretty turned on.

And suddenly it's not her I am kissing. There is still dark hair and the pale complexion, but the eyes are different. They belong to someone else.

I jerk back. And then it's her again.

"What's wrong?" she asks confused. I shake my head to clear it.

"Nothing." I answer and kiss her again.

We make out for awhile while swaying to the beat. It's nice, but my arousal is gone. She notices that.

"Okay hon, I don't know what's wrong but if you're not into me, I'm leaving." she says suddenly. She doesn't sound mad, just like she wants to clear things up. I smile apologetically.

"Sorry. You're really pretty and nice, but..." I trail off. I don't know how to finish the sentence.

She sighs.

"It's okay. See ya." And she disappears in the crowd.

I groan and and run my hand through my hair. Damn it, damn it, damn it! This was so not what I came here to do! I mean, the first part is, but then... he just can't stay out of my head!

Even though I'm getting dangerously close to my limit, I head back to the bar to get myself another drink. The barkeeper already shoots me a worried look but I just motion for another drink. I'm having difficulty standing upright and my vision's kinda blurry, but still I down the drink, enjoying that the alcohol doesn't even taste bad anymore. When I'm done, I lean against the bar and watch the crowd for a moment. It is now pretty late in the night and there aren't that many people left. I look at my watch but can't really tell if it's three or four am.

Again I stare at the crowd. This is a pretty open club, so there are not only men and women dancing, but also men with men and women with women. I see two girls making out, which is pretty hot, but also two guys, which is even hotter. I remember that Sasuke doesn't even know I'm bi. My blurry brain tries to imagine me in that situation with Sasuke, but fails miserably. It only lets me feel some of the anguish I've been suppressing and I quickly close my eyes and shake my head to get the thoughts out of my head. Which really wasn't a smart move because now I'm feeling even dizzier than before. I spot pink hair coming towards me. That is so not what I want to deal with right now.

I push myself away from the counter, intending to flee as quickly as possible for me in my state, but I collide with a strong chest. I stumble and try to find my balance. Two hands grab my arms and stabilize me.

It takes a moment for me to understand what is happening and I open my eyes. Weird, I don't remember closing them. I see how pale the skin is and and how familiar this T-shirt looks.

I look up, fearing the worst.

* * *

><p>My eyes meet a strong jaw, thin lips, big eyes... that are not black. I let out a relieved sigh that is supposed to stay in my head but somehow finds it's way to my mouth.<p>

The stranger chuckles.

"That happy to see me?"

He lifts one eyebrow and my gaze wanders from his startlingly sea blue eyes to the red sign above the eyebrow he's raising.

A tattoo. Huh, I know that sign. A moment later I remember. It means _Love._

Slowly I register what the guy has said and I laugh awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck.

"No, uhh, that's not it, I just thought..."

He finishes the sentence for me.

"...that I was someone else?"

I shrug my shoulders and nod, not seeing any reason to lie. Just then I notice that not only his eyes have a startlingly colour, but his hair does, too. A vivid, bright red, like the tattoo on his forehead.

"Ahh, and here I thought you were happy to see me. My name is Gaara, by the way."

"I'm Naruto."

I have problems concentrating on his words. It's getting harder to focus. But I notice that this guy is hot, pretty hot, even though he looks different than... I forbid myself to finish that thought.

"Naruto, huh... well, how about we go somewhere more... quiet?"

I'm not that drunk to not realize what he's getting at. And for a second, my befuddled brain shoots warnings at me, that this is a bad idea, I don't even know him, what about Sakura, what about that other guy I don't want to think about, he could be a rapist...

I grin and nod.

"Lead the way."

Well, you can't rape the willing.

He gives me a smirk and walks away. I follow him, unsure where he's leading us, but knowing it probably won't be his apartment or anything. This isn't even a one-night stand, he just wants to quickly hook up... and my libido is more than willing to agree, since I haven't gotten laid since I realized my feelings for Sasuke.

Inwardly I sigh and, for the thousandth time it seems this evening, push the thought away. Why does he always sneak his way into my head?

Everything has become blurry now, so I focus on following his red hair which is glowing brightly in the dim light. Absentmindedly I wonder if it's his real hair colour or dyed. And if the tattoo is fake or real. It would be pretty daring to get a tattoo on the forehead, even if it is slightly obscured by his bangs. And why the Japanese kanji for love?

My admittedly pretty random thoughts are interrupted as I notice he has stopped. I take a quick look around and realize we're outside of the club, in the back alley.

I can't help but snicker. Normally even I have some pride to not hook up in the alley behind a club like some common whore, but the alcohol and the still existing thoughts of _him _make my brain totally useless.

Suddenly he throws me against the wall and the air leaves my chest in a whoosh. I'm a little thrown off by his... um, enthusiasm, but I quickly forget about it when he slams his lips onto mine. It's not a chaste or innocent kiss at all. His lips urgently move against mine, coaxing them to play along, and of course I answer it, almost brutally. Our teeth clink and our noses brush against each other in our haste to let the kiss become even more passionate. His tongue finds its way into my mouth, stroking it's counterpart and mapping the inside. He's a really good kisser, although his aim is slightly off, probably because we're both drunk.

His hands don't stay still for long either, moving across my shoulders and my sides, fisting my hair and sliding underneath the shirt I'm wearing, stroking my stomach. I jerk a little at the feel of his cold hands but forget about it quickly as I get lost in the kiss and the touching. My arms are around his neck, holding him as tightly as possible to me, and I battle his tongue back into his mouth. My turn to explore now. He shifts and a leg is sliding between mine, spreading them and making room for his knee to grind into my crotch. I groan into his mouth and he laughs a little breathlessly, continuing his actions. I break the kiss to lean my head back, enjoying the movement of his knee, and let out a panting moan. But his lips quickly find mine again and I'm dangerously close to the edge. I focus on the feeling, forgetting everything around me, even the guy performing this act. It's just the pleasure and me, no one else, not even...

And suddenly it's all gone. For a moment I stand stock still, with my eyes still closed and my brain trying to process that the pleasure has stopped. I furrow my brows and open my eyes, wondering what is happening and they widen comically at the sight I'm seeing.

It's Sasuke. Oh god, he's here and he has seen me making out with a guy and... shit, is currently punching him in the face. I really have trouble going over to the fighting men and trying to break them apart.

"Stop! Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?"

I pull at his arm, losing my balance, and Sasuke stops just to catch me from kissing the pavement.

"What am I doing? You're the idiot that decided to get completely drunk! You don't even like men and here you are, so drunk you don't even realize what you're doing! "

Now he pulls at my arm as he drags me down the alley behind him.

"But... but..."

I try to form a sentence to explain what just happened, but all this stuff happening really isn't good for my stomach. Instead of trying to speak, I focus on not emptying my stomach in front of the club as wave after wave of nausea swamps over me.

I vaguely see Sakura standing there with a shocked expression.

"We're leaving!"

Sasuke hisses this goodbye at Sakura and drags me through the parking lot to his car, shoving me in and then getting in himself, starting the motor.

"If you puke, I'm going to make you lick it clean."

That is pretty good motivation to keep the contents of my stomach right there.

* * *

><p>During the car ride Sasuke doesn't speak but I can feel him fuming beside me, emanating waves of rage, and while trying to keep his threat in mind I manage to ask myself why he is that mad. I don't come any further in my thoughts, still too dizzy and nauseous to really think.<p>

Suddenly I notice the car has stopped and through blurry eyes I look through the window and recognize our apartment complex. Then my door opens and Sasuke pulls me out, dragging me behind him.

This is the final hit for my stomach. I break free from his hold and fall to the ground, emptying everything that is in my belly and probably some organs, too. I retch and choke and gag and feel so, so horrible. This is the part I haven't missed from my partying days.

I don't know how long I kneel there, doubled over, but after some time I realize nothing's coming up anymore. I cautiously try to sit up, carefully testing if anything's still there, but my belly feels empty and the horrible nausea is gone. I open my eyes to see it's not that blurry anymore. It seems I've sobered up a little bit, but I can still feel the effects of the alcohol.

"You done?"

Sasuke's angry voice cuts through the pleasant silence and I open my eyes. I had forgotten for a moment he was there and shit, what happened before.

"Good."

He doesn't wait for an answer, just hauls me up, dragging me along again. This time I'm a little more focused and clearer and I stumble after him, trying to break his hold.

"Sasuke stop, I can walk by myself, this is completely crazy!"

We reach our door and he actually lets go of me to grab his keys to open it, otherwise still ignoring me. I rub the now sore spot on my arm and glare at the back of his head. What the hell is he doing?

He opens the door and pushes me in, closing it behind him. I turn to face him and glare. He returns the look.

It's silent for a moment until I decide to break it.

"What the hell was that?"

At first he doesn't answer, still glaring at me. Then it's like a waterfall of words.

"You want to know what the hell that was? What the fuck did _you _think you were doing? Why the hell did you let that guy take advantage of you, and since when have you started going to clubs again, don't you remember you're a lightweight? You're too trusting and Sakura definitely is not the best sidekick to take care of you! You're grown up, damn it, you shouldn't even _need _a sidekick to take care of you! I don't want to imagine what would have happened if I hadn't shown up... You should be able to say No and fight if you don't want something to happen - "

I cut him off, yelling so loud I could hear my ears ringing.

"But I _did_ want it to happen!"

There was silence after my outburst. His tirade had made so angry, like he was the saint, who knew everything better than me, trying to lecture me! I admit I didn't think of the consequences of me admitting this to Sasuke, but now that I had... it was alright. It was bound to happen anyway.

Sasuke wore a shocked look on his face which didn't give me a lot of hope. But every guy would be shocked if he found out his best friend was bi, right?

"Look, I'm not saying that making out with a stranger in the back alley of a club was a good idea, because it wasn't. But I did want it to happen and I didn't fight it, because... I'm bi."

Sasuke stares at me, still not saying anything. I begin to fidget and notice now that I'm practically exhausted. It must be about five am now and all my body wants to do is sleep. But I can't, not until this is resolved.

We stand there for a while. I become really nervous and bite my lip, waiting for him to say something, anything.

Finally he clears his throat.

"You... you like... guys?"

I sigh and nod. At least we were talking.

"I also like women but yes, I like men, too."

He stares at me and bites his lip.

"Can't... can't you stop?"

My blood runs cold. This is the reaction I feared. I can't believe this is happening.

"W-what do you mean...?"

He averts his gaze.

"It's... it's not natural!"

My eyes widen and I look at him, shocked. For a moment I'm afraid I won't have control over my anguish. But then the anger comes back.

"Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? "It's not natural"? Is that really what you think?"

Sasuke looks up again, my anger fueling his.

"Yes, damn it! Men are made for women, it's not right for two men to be together!"

My chest suddenly feels very tight.

"You really think that? God, what century do you live in? This is the worst bullshit I have ever heard!"

He glares harshly at me. I've never been the recipient of this glare. It's full of something Sasuke usually directs at others... like the girls that profess their love without knowing anything about him.

"It's not bullshit. It's the natural order, it's supposed to be this way."

He doesn't shout anymore, he doesn't have to. The words he so easily speaks have a bigger effect on me than his anger earlier. I suddenly remember a conversation we had when we were kids where he also spoke so carelessly. My throat becomes very dry. I swallow hard.

"Do you... do you think I'm... disgusting?"

My voice sounds very small. I cannot believe that I have to ask Sasuke this question. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen. He stares at me for a moment with a blank look and I'm scared of what he'll answer.

Then he sighs and walks over to me, standing right before me.

"No, Naruto. I don't think you're disgusting."

I bite my lip, feeling relief at his words, but also knowing he isn't finished.

"But imagine. Wouldn't it be totally... wrong and weird... for you to like a guy? Like, for example Kiba, or... or me!"

He smiles a little amused, like this is a funny joke and totally impossible, like even the thought of it is ridiculous. I feel anger growing in me again. But it's not hot, passionate anger. It feels cold and full of despair. A normal reaction I guess, for having your heart torn to pieces.

"Oh really? That would be funny, right? Just imagine _me _liking _you_, no, even _loving _you!"

I let out a bitter laugh. I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I take a step closer, now very close to his body and even closer to his face. I look right into his eyes, the eyes I love so much even though right now they're tearing me apart with the shocked and confused look in them.

"And what if it's true, huh? What if I did love you? Would that be so weird and wrong? Because it's true, damn it! I do love you!"

My words echo through the hallway, me having said them in a raised voice. I search in his eyes for something, anything but shock and confusion... but there's nothing.

Until panic enters them. And suddenly I'm not looking at him anymore, my head leaning to one side. For a second I don't understand what has happened but then I feel the sting on my cheek.

"Just stop, okay! This isn't funny anymore!"

I slowly turn my head back as he steps away from me, turning his back on me.

"You're still drunk and not thinking straight. You don't know what you're saying. Tomorrow... tomorrow you'll regret this and we'll pretend it never happened... okay?"

Sasuke doesn't wait for an answer, he just leaves the hallway and I hear the door of his room slam.

I stand there, alone. The scene is frighteningly reminiscent of the one I was in just a few hours ago, where he had also left. I close my eyes, trying to stop the tears in my eyes from falling, but some manage to break through. But I don't sob or full out cry. I just let my back hit the wall and slowly slide down until I'm sitting with my legs bent.

Sasuke will never love me, it seems. I can feel my heart break slowly, into tiny, tiny pieces that fall down like ashes and get swept away with the wind until there's nothing left. I had always hoped he would return my feelings. I hadn't counted on it. But there was always hope, that, just now, was completely crushed. What am I gonna do now? What am I supposed to do? Shouldn't my feelings have vanished, now that he has spoken so cruelly to me and even slapped me?

But then I realize something. I can't stop. Even now, I can't help but love him, even if he hates and despises me and hopes and pretends my feelings for him aren't real.

_And so my wasted heart will continue to love you. _


End file.
